Fake News Gazzette

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi expressed joy after reading a leaked medical report regarding President Trump's recent visit to the doctor. "I pray every night the he should get cancer. Well it may not be cancer but I'll take it as a sign from the Man Upstairs that He's listening!" In the medical report Trump was described as suffering from a comedo to the left buttock which was treated by famed dermatologist Chuck Fern, MD. When Trump was asked for his opinion about Pelosi's reaction to the report he stated "Does the woman have anything better to do than concern herself with a pimple on my ass? Better yet tell her to come over to the White House and I'll show it to her!" Report filed by Roc Moose, Fake News Chronicle correspondent

Johnnie Higgins, a south Chicago crack dealer was arrested today after he took his son to work selling crack in south Chicago. "Hey, somebody told me there was this holiday to bring your kid to work day or something like that. So I said What the f--k? That's what I do!" Police left the child in custody of his grandmother, Cecilia Higgins who has been herself arrested before for selling loosies.

Michael Moore on CNN today blamed Pres. Trump for an outbreak of herpes around his anus that had dormant since Bill Clinton's inauguration. Moore told Megan Kelly, who returned to Fox for the express purpose of interviewing Moore " The day after the election I began to feel an itch back there. The next day I had what looked like a giant sized cabbage protruding from my anal verge". Moore told Kelly that it was the stress of coming to terms with the fact that Trump had won the election lowered his immune system to the point that has left him unable to sit for weeks on end. Moore stated he was book to have the lesions lasered off but the Hayden Planetarium's Inter-space Laser is off-line until mid-June for maintainence

In a tweet earlier today Rosie O'Donnell blamed President Trump for her incessant weight gain since Election Day. "You ask how fat do I intend on getting? Ask that a--hole in the White House! It's all his fault". Friends have become increasingly concerned the star's weight will soon overtake the speed at which the universe continues expanding and possibly earn her the distinction of the first U.S. citizen to be appointed her own zip code by the Postal officials. Ms. O'Donnell when pressed by reporters did not answer questions inquiring why she was so ugly instead pelting them with frozen quart-sized containers of Ben&Jerry's Ice Cream.